


Beep Beep, Cowboy. You're Gay.

by kibasniper



Category: Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Gen, Humor, Revelations, Visions, breaking up, title from a vine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 22:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20396998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kibasniper/pseuds/kibasniper
Summary: JT is five seconds away from breaking up with Elka when she drops a bomb on him.





	Beep Beep, Cowboy. You're Gay.

“JT!”

JT’s eyes scrunched together as Elka called out to him. He gulped, hearing her footsteps coming closer on the dirt path leading to the parking lot. His note crumpled in his white-knuckled grasp, and he wished he had done this sooner, knowing he would have been able to get far, far away from her if he had been faster.

Squaring his shoulders, he forced himself to look at her as she ran to him. With what he had seen from her, he wanted nothing more to do with Elka Doom. The urge to shove the note to her chest crossed his mind as she skidded to a stop in front of him, bits of dirt and dust kicking up behind her. But that wouldn’t be proper, and he was nothing if not a good cowpoke who didn’t lay a finger on a filly no matter how nasty they were.

“JT, oh, I’m glad I found you,” she said, sighing and brushing down her shirt.

“Why, look here-” He nearly bit his tongue when he registered the name she had been calling him. Pressing the note between his palm and hip, he asked, “Did y’all just call me-?”

“Yeah, your name.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Anyway, we need to talk, and when I say talk, we need to do it right now.”

“I reckon we do.” Anger brewed in his stomach as he recalled her treatment to his best friend. She had been nothing but a cruel bully to Chops by demanding he stay away from JT. It was as if she believed she had every right to dictate who could interact with her boyfriend. She had even refused to leave him alone with other campers, insisting on being right next to him when he chatted with Phoebe about band practice, her grip tight on his forearm as if to prove he belonged to her.

But JT knew that would end right now. He wasn’t property, and he wasn’t going to let Elka control him anymore. All he needed to do was open his mouth, take a breath, and call her out.

“Elka, I-”

“We need to break up,” she interjected, clapping her hands onto his shoulders.

In a split second, the world went dark. He knew Elka was in front of him, but he couldn’t comprehend her. He stared through her and took in the orange salamanders hurrying over pebbles towards the thicket. He heard Raz somersaulting over them and right into an open tree trunk, a seductive voice asking him where he wanted to go, but even that couldn’t take him out of his stupefaction.

Elka snapped her fingers in front of his nose and made him yelp. As he recoiled and clutched his hat, she sighed and laced her fingers together. She tilted her head and said, “Oh, JT, I know. This must be a total shock for you, but trust me…” She smiled and patted his shoulder again as if she were a comforting older sister. “...it’s for the best.”

“Now, s-see here, see here!” He brushed her hand off and shook his head. “What in tarnation brought this up? Goodness’ sake, Elka, ya-”

“Well, if you’d let me finish,” she said pointedly as if she hadn’t interrupted him before, “I had a vision about you.”

He hitched his thumb at his chest, his eyes wide. “Huh? Me?”

She hummed and pursed her lips. She seemed to be pondering something, and whatever it was made JT’s skin crawl. He quickly stuffed his note into his pocket, hoping she hadn’t seen it when she clapped her hands together.

“Well, this might be a shock. Brace yourself,” she said, her voice dancing on uncertain.

_I think I’ve had one too many surprises this summer ‘cause o’ you,_ he thought, frowning.

“So, after levitation practice, you know how you ran off afterwards? Nearly plummeted right into the lake if Milla hadn’t grabbed you?”

Heat colored his cheeks as he remembered Milla chuckling and warning him to be careful. “Yes. Yes, reckon I do.”

“Right. Well, I sat there with Milla for some extra practice when all of a sudden, boom.” She clapped her hands again. “Vision. And let me tell you what a vision it was. Really enlightening. Probably the second most shocking vision I had all summer.”

“Elka, I’d really like it if ya just came out and said it instead o’ stringin’ me along with the details.” He forced a smile. _Kinda like how y’all’ve been stringin’ me along since I partnered up with ya._

“You sure? I can tell you exactly what it was. It’ll probably help you come to terms with what I’m about to reveal.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he groaned, “Please just say it.”

“JT…” She pointed at him, her fingernail grazing his bandana. “...you’re gay.”

In his head, a carriage crashed into an old barnhouse, causing it to burst into flames.

“I know, I know, this must be totally surprising, but like, since I had this vision, it wouldn’t be right for us to keep dating.” She nodded, appearing to agree with herself. “Since you don’t like girls, you shouldn’t be with me, and well, I realized you probably only dated me because I was sad about Nils.”

Horses began whinnying on the golden pasture as deep gray smoke reached the starry heavens.

“You know, you comforted me when camp started! I thought it was really sweet, and that’s why I asked you out.” She giggled. “Well, I did keep you for nearly an hour complaining about Nils, but hey, you stuck around with me. I thought it was charming, you know?”

The horses ran to the nearest river and telekinetically gathered water in rusted buckets, swiftly dousing out the fire.

“And no hard feelings, okay? I think we can leave each other on good terms.” Elka flicked the wide brim of his hat and took in his completely neutral expression. “We’re still friends. You can go play music with that hillbilly you like so much, and I can win over Nils. It’s a win-win for us both.”

He worked his jaw as he settled back to reality. When he blinked, his vision returned, and he made out squirrels staring at them from the nearest trees. Behind him from the main gate, he heard the faint beeping of truck horns and expletives followed by tires screeching, and as the impact boomed, he said, “Elka.”

“What?”

JT opened his mouth, sucked down a breath, and bellowed, “Y’all made a fool outta me one too many times for me to believe that sack o’ horse manure!”

She snatched her hips and leaned forward. “Hey, I wouldn’t lie about something this serious! You are gay. I saw you were riding horses with-” She pulled back and gripped her chin. “Actually, I don’t know if I should tell you. You’ll probably get all weird about it especially since you’re freaking out.”

“Ya hurt my friend an’ me and now, yer sayin’ I’m a-I’m a...queer?”

She gasped and smacked his shoulder. “That’s a slur! You can’t say that word.”

“It is not! It means weird!”

“Terminology changes! And you just said it with the gay connotation! Get with the times, cowboy.” She grunted and wrinkled her nose. “If my aunt heard you say that, she’d slap you until your eyes popped out.”

Groaning, JT grabbed his cheeks and pulled them down, showing off the full whites of his eyes. “I don’t have time for yer nonsense. If we’re done with this rinky dink hoedown, I’m wranglin’ to get back to Chops.”

He pushed past her, his shoulder brushing against hers. Grumbling under his breath, he tugged his hat down, and as a shadow crossed his face, Elka’s voice tormented him once more.

“Your crush on Chops is really obvious. If you tell him, things’ll go really smoothly.”

And then, the barn was up in flames again and so was his mental world. He whirled around on his heels, but she was gone. Presumably invisible, she had the final word and left him to deal with the smoke pluming above his head. He stumbled back to the bulletin board, a lightheadedness overpowering him and forcing him to grip the coarse wood for support.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the wrinkled note. He smoothed out the creases and re-read it once, and then twice, before slamming it on the bulletin board. He pulled out one of the plastic tacks from an older note left by Ranger Cruller and jabbed it through, his feelings on full display for the campers to decipher.

As he marched away with his fists swinging back and forth, JT thought, _It’s true, but I don’t want her sayin’ it._

**Author's Note:**

> jt, next summer, chops sitting on his shoulders: elka yer sufferin' from a bad case of compulsory heterosexuality.


End file.
